When someone we love is hurting, our first instinct is to help.
But trauma doesn’t always respond to comfort the way we expect. You might find that your offers are met with silence, withdrawal, or even anger. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong — but it does mean that trauma needs a different kind of care.
Here’s how to support someone who’s experienced trauma, with compassion and boundaries that honour their healing process.
1. Start With Safety, Not Solutions
People recovering from trauma often feel unsafe — in their bodies, in their relationships, or in the world. Your calm, steady presence can be more powerful than any advice.
What helps:
- A consistent, non-judgmental presence
- Letting them set the pace
- Not rushing to make things “go back to normal”
Sometimes, saying “I’m here if you want to talk — no pressure” is enough.
2. Validate Without Fixing
Avoid trying to find the “silver lining” or minimising their pain. Instead, reflect what they’re feeling.
Try:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I believe you.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Avoid:
- “At least…”
- “It could be worse…”
- “Everything happens for a reason…”
These phrases, even if well-meaning, can shut down vulnerability.
3. Don’t Take Distance Personally
Trauma can cause people to:
- Withdraw from connection
- Get overwhelmed by social contact
- Seem irritable or distant even with people they love
This is a survival response — not a reflection of how they feel about you.
Give space without giving up.
4. Respect Boundaries
Trauma can leave people feeling powerless. Letting them have control over what they share, when they share it, and what they do with their healing is vital.
Don’t:
- Push them to talk
- Ask for details of what happened
- Assume you know what they need
Do:
- Let them choose what feels safe to share
- Ask, “What would feel helpful right now?”
- Offer options, not demands
5. Be Patient With the Process
Healing from trauma is not linear. Some days will look “fine.” Others might feel like a setback. Don’t expect someone to “move on” quickly.
Your job isn’t to speed it up. It’s to walk beside them at their pace.
6. Take Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting someone through trauma can be heavy. It’s okay to:
- Have boundaries
- Feel confused or unsure
- Need support of your own
Helping doesn’t mean losing yourself. You matter in this too.
Final Thought
Supporting someone after trauma doesn’t require expert skills. It requires presence, respect, and the willingness to listen — even when it’s hard.
You don’t have to fix it. Just being there, gently and consistently, might be exactly what they need.
