Shame-Based Defences: Why Some Clients Push You Away When They Want to Connect
Some clients come to therapy deeply wanting connection — but when it starts to happen, they pull away.
They may become guarded, sarcastic, dismissive, or even angry. As therapists, it’s easy to misread these responses as resistance or lack of motivation.
But often, what we’re seeing is shame.
What Is Shame-Based Defence?
Shame isn’t just a feeling — it’s a protective system.
When shame becomes chronic, it shapes how people relate. Many clients have learned (often early in life) that vulnerability leads to rejection, judgment, or pain. So they protect themselves — by hiding, performing, deflecting, or attacking.
The deeper the shame, the stronger the defence.
What It Can Look Like in Therapy
Shame rarely walks in the door saying, “Hi, I’m shame.” Instead, it looks like:
- Sarcasm or intellectualising to avoid emotional depth
- Shutting down when something hits close to home
- Over-apologising or excessive self-criticism
- Hostility or irritability that creates distance
- Perfectionism or pleasing behaviour that hides real needs
Even in the absence of trauma, shame can be a powerful force — shaping how clients expect to be treated and how safe they feel being seen.
Common Triggers for Shame in Therapy
- Direct attention on their emotions or internal world
- Praise or affirmation (which can feel undeserved)
- Moments of softness that make them feel exposed
- Misattunement, even slight, which reinforces old narratives
- A growing sense of trust — which paradoxically feels risky
How to Respond as a Therapist
1. Stay Curious, Not Corrective
When a client deflects or withdraws, don’t force the issue. Try:
“Part of you might not want to go there — that’s okay.”
This validates the defence without reinforcing it.
2. Attune to the Nervous System
Look for cues of activation — fidgeting, freezing, shallow breathing. Slow down. Use grounding, bilateral tapping, or simply pause.
3. Normalize Shame Responses
Clients often don’t realise their patterns are protective. Try:
“Sometimes when people have been hurt, even kindness can feel risky.”
This makes the invisible visible — without shaming the shame.
4. Don’t Rush Repair
If a rupture happens (a client feels exposed, judged, or misunderstood), allow space to process it. The repair is often more healing than the rupture is harmful.
5. Focus on Regulation, Not Insight
Insight doesn’t always dissolve shame. But co-regulation can. Prioritise helping the client feel safe enough to stay present.
A Note on Clinician Countertransference
Shame-based defence can trigger our own feelings:
- “Why are they pushing me away?”
- “Am I doing something wrong?”
- “I don’t know how to help them.”
These are natural reactions. Use supervision. Stay grounded. Remember — it’s not personal, it’s protective.
Final Thought
When clients seem guarded or rejecting, ask: “What might this be protecting?”
So often, beneath the surface is shame — not because they don’t want connection, but because connection has felt dangerous.
Our job isn’t to break through. It’s to wait at the edge with steadiness, warmth, and patience. Until their nervous system begins to believe: maybe this time, it’s different.
